I wanted to give you (hopefully) one last update on these final weeks before we welcome baby girl in to the world!
Throughout this pregnancy, I’ve been mentally rehearsing the fact that I’ll go past my due date (so that I don’t get my hopes up). But once April hit, time has really started dragging by. I’m caught between this tension: wanting her to stay in my womb and grow in order to be as healthy as possible, and wanting to meet her more than anything.
To my surprise, I have moments where I’m like “I’m so not ready for this”. I don’t know if it’s nerves about labor/delivery or the fact that life is going to change so much. Or it simply might be just the fear of not knowing when exactly it’s going to happen (I like to have a plan, so this lack of control is hard!). But whatever it is, I’m perfectly happy just being pregnant for a while longer. On the flip side, (usually when I’m feeling at my worst) there are the moments where I can’t wait to just be done being pregnant.
According to my checkups, things are slowly progressing, so ready or not, she’ll be here soon!!
Overall though, I am feeling pretty well- as well as you can being weeks/days away from giving birth, that is! Darling husband has been such a support. I can’t say enough about how he has encouraged me through all the highs and lows of this pregnancy.
I have been quite ravenous these last weeks. Sharing on a vulnerable level, I’ve been tempted to be strict with how much I let myself eat, knowing how healthy and consistent my weight gain has been so far. But for the health of baby girl and for me, I know those hunger cues are important signs that I need to eat when I feel hungry. So I do my best to make healthy food choices, and not worry about the extra pounds I’ve gained in this last stretch. Especially if that means baby is gaining weight and I’ll have some chubby little cheeks to kiss!
I’m still making it to the gym, mostly limited to walking and doing some light strength training. The ladies there are all so sweet and encouraging. It’s nice to keep moving, and I know it helps with preparing for labor.
Particularly in these last couple weeks, I’ve struggled with some anxiety.
I don’t typically consider myself a very anxious person, so it sort of caught me off guard. At around 38 weeks, baby girl started switching up her typical movement “schedule”. (keeping track of fetal movement is important to make sure baby is healthy and nothing is wrong.) Baby girl used to be a gymnast in the evenings and into the night with tons of moving and kicking. But suddenly I wouldn’t feel her and couldn’t remember how long it had been since I felt her. When this happens, I’ll drink a glass of cold water, lay on my side, and I’ll get the movement I need to be reassured that all is well, but it’s a scary feeling.
This morning (during a bout of 4am pregnancy insomnia) as I was praying and reading Scripture, I was reminded that this pregnancy is just the beginning of surrendering sweet girl into God’s care.
“Busy, buzzing, and anxious thoughts follow us because peace is not based on the circumstances we think about but the truth we steady our minds upon. If we fix our minds on all that might go wrong, we will anxiously work to never miss a step… But when we fix our minds on Jesus and trust Him, we find He gives lasting peace that He not only secures but sustains.” (GraceLaced: Discovering Timeless Truths Through Seasons of the Heart, Ruth Chou Simons)
I’ll have more and more opportunities to make a choice as she grows. I can grow more and more anxious, which often manifests itself as control.
Or I can choose to turn my eyes to Christ.
Open up those tightly clenched controlling hands.
And lay my sweet girl at His feet,
knowing that, “[she] needs Jesus, more than she needs me, or anything else for that matter…” (Why Motherhood Matters, September McCarthy,)
So Jesus, I’ll trust you. Your ways are higher than my own.
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3
Thank you for walking this journey with me and for praying for our little family. I have truly felt your support, even in sharing some of the most vulnerable parts of my heart in these posts.